I attempted to unlock the recipe for Hadacol. I even tried a sip from the 50-year-old bottle in my office, but all it did was impair my eyesight and make me vomit for three days.
So, I have signed on with Prescott Pharmaceuticals (you may remember them from “The Colbert Report.”)
For a limited time only, I am offering Vaxadrone to my most valued readers (yes, that includes you.)
Do you suffer from low-self esteem? Vaxadrone will give you the confidence you lack.
Do you suffer from egomania? Vaxadrone will destroy your self worth.
Do you suffer from male-pattern baldness? Vaxadrone will sprout hair on a bowling ball.
Do you suffer from flatulence? Pop just one Vaxadrone after your next enchilada plate and say goodbye to gas (as well as your lower intestines).
Do you have trouble sleeping? Vaxadrone will cure insomnia.
Do you have difficulty staying awake? One Vaxadrone is equal to five cups of coffee.
Do you wonder about the meaning of life? Vaxadrone will give you stunning insights.
Are you not musically inclined? After three weeks of Vaxadrone, you will play the five-string banjo like Béla Fleck.
Just write your name and address on the back of a $100 bill and mail it to me. I will personally deliver your Vaxadrone (or by our newly developed “Vaxadrone Drone,” whichever you prefer).
Don’t miss out on this exciting offer. Supplies are limited.
And don’t bother even checking for a better price at The Hayride. I have the Louisiana exclusive.
Oh, and the FDA requires me to list the side effects of Vaxadrone. They include, but are not limited to, the following (all listed on the Vaxadrone website):
Abdominal Salad Shooters
An Inability to Breathe on Weekends
Argyle Pattern Baldness
Autonomous Nipple Syndrome
DIS, or Dissolving Intestine Syndrome
Grover Nordquist Syndrome
Honey Nut Areolas
Honus Wagner’s Disease
Hungry Hungry Hipbones
Increased Risk of Vampire Attack
Involuntary Narnia Adventures
Jimmy Crack Corns
Late Onset Albinoism
Massive Weight Gain
Mild Kidney Explosions
Mind of Mencia
Minor Heart Explosions
Phantom Hand Syndrome
Prolonged Erections – But Not Where You’d Hope
Rectal Buffalo Wings
Re-Emergence of the Umbilical Cord
Restless Arm Syndrome
Restless Leg Syndrome
Restless Torso Syndrome
Rocky Mountain Oysterism
Severe Weight Loss
Speaking In Tongues
Spontaneous and Uncontrollable Gum Growth
Spontaneous Gypsy Scarf
Spontaneous Harper’s Subscription
Steven Tyler Lip
Tracheal Meerkat Colonies
Verizon Guy Syndrome
Vivid Dreams of Self-Cannibalization
Whatever Happens When You Drink Rocket Fuel
Yellowstone National Bladder