May 14, 2015 09:40 AM

Why should The Hayride get all the money for phony Alzheimer’s treatments, diabetes cures and gold scams? It’s time for Something Like the Truth to get in on this lucrative action.

I attempted to unlock the recipe for Hadacol. I even tried a sip from the 50-year-old bottle in my office, but all it did was impair my eyesight and make me vomit for three days.

So, I have signed on with Prescott Pharmaceuticals (you may remember them from “The Colbert Report.”)

For a limited time only, I am offering Vaxadrone to my most valued readers (yes, that includes you.)

Do you suffer from low-self esteem? Vaxadrone will give you the confidence you lack.

Do you suffer from egomania? Vaxadrone will destroy your self worth.

Do you suffer from male-pattern baldness? Vaxadrone will sprout hair on a bowling ball.

Do you suffer from flatulence? Pop just one Vaxadrone after your next enchilada plate and say goodbye to gas (as well as your lower intestines).

Do you have trouble sleeping? Vaxadrone will cure insomnia.

Do you have difficulty staying awake? One Vaxadrone is equal to five cups of coffee.

Do you wonder about the meaning of life? Vaxadrone will give you stunning insights.

Are you not musically inclined? After three weeks of Vaxadrone, you will play the five-string banjo like Béla Fleck.

Just write your name and address on the back of a $100 bill and mail it to me. I will personally deliver your Vaxadrone (or by our newly developed “Vaxadrone Drone,” whichever you prefer).

Don’t miss out on this exciting offer. Supplies are limited.

And don’t bother even checking for a better price at The Hayride. I have the Louisiana exclusive.

Oh, and the FDA requires me to list the side effects of Vaxadrone. They include, but are not limited to, the following (all listed on the Vaxadrone website):

Abdominal Migration

Abdominal Salad Shooters


An Inability to Breathe on Weekends

Ankle Bearding

Aortal Collapse

Arby’s Mouth

Argyle Pattern Baldness

Armpit Homunculus

Autonomous Nipple Syndrome

Bad Humors

Bearded Thalamus

Bone Sporking



Capillary Yogurt


Chinese Firebones

DIS, or Dissolving Intestine Syndrome

Dry Mouth

Eye Curdling



Facial Corkboarding

Fallopian Tapeworm


Genital Migration


Grover Nordquist Syndrome

Hair Swelling

Hairy Uvula

Honey Nut Areolas

Honus Wagner’s Disease

Hungry Hungry Hipbones

Increased Appetite

Increased Risk of Vampire Attack

Ingrown Testicle

Involuntary Blowhole

Involuntary Narnia Adventures

Jimmy Crack Corns

Knee Transference

Lactose Addiction

Late Onset Albinoism

Lou Ferrignose



Massive Weight Gain

Mild Hulkism

Mild Kidney Explosions

Mind of Mencia

Minor Heart Explosions



Nostril Inversion

Outgrown Testicle

Permanent Blindness

Phantom Hand Syndrome

Pituitary Ferns

Precocious Kidney

Prolonged Erections – But Not Where You’d Hope


Pulmonary Weevils

R.E.O. Speedlung


Rectal Buffalo Wings

Rectal Dyslexia

Rectal Frosting

Rectal Hallucinations

Re-Emergence of the Umbilical Cord

Restless Arm Syndrome

Restless Leg Syndrome

Restless Torso Syndrome

Rocky Mountain Oysterism

Runaway Gums

Scrappy Dooism

Scrotal Bassoon


Severe Weight Loss

Siamese Nipples

Skeletal Xylophoning

Spaghetti Ovaries

Speaking In Tongues

Spontaneous and Uncontrollable Gum Growth

Spontaneous Gypsy Scarf

Spontaneous Harper’s Subscription

Spontaneous Mertail

Spontaneous Pregnancy

Steven Tyler Lip

Subcutaneous Funyuns

Tennis Scrotum

Teriyaki Lung

Testicular Cranberrying

Testicular Myopia

Testicular Testicularization

Thoracic Geysers

Tracheal Meerkat Colonies

Transsexual Kidneys

Urethral Knotting

Vein Seizures

Ventricular Funk

Verizon Guy Syndrome

Vivid Dreams of Self-Cannibalization

Warlock Hump

Whatever Happens When You Drink Rocket Fuel

X-Ray Hearing

Yellowstone National Bladder


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