Why should The Hayride get all the money for phony Alzheimer’s treatments, diabetes cures and gold scams? It’s time for Something Like the Truth to get in on this lucrative action.
I attempted to unlock the recipe for Hadacol. I even tried a sip from the 50-year-old bottle in my office, but all it did was impair my eyesight and make me vomit for three days.
So, I have signed on with Prescott Pharmaceuticals (you may remember them from “The Colbert Report.”)
For a limited time only, I am offering Vaxadrone to my most valued readers (yes, that includes you.)
Do you suffer from low-self esteem? Vaxadrone will give you the confidence you lack.
Do you suffer from egomania? Vaxadrone will destroy your self worth.
Do you suffer from male-pattern baldness? Vaxadrone will sprout hair on a bowling ball.
Do you suffer from flatulence? Pop just one Vaxadrone after your next enchilada plate and say goodbye to gas (as well as your lower intestines).
Do you have trouble sleeping? Vaxadrone will cure insomnia.
Do you have difficulty staying awake? One Vaxadrone is equal to five cups of coffee.
Do you wonder about the meaning of life? Vaxadrone will give you stunning insights.
Are you not musically inclined? After three weeks of Vaxadrone, you will play the five-string banjo like Béla Fleck.
Just write your name and address on the back of a $100 bill and mail it to me. I will personally deliver your Vaxadrone (or by our newly developed “Vaxadrone Drone,” whichever you prefer).
Don’t miss out on this exciting offer. Supplies are limited.
And don’t bother even checking for a better price at The Hayride. I have the Louisiana exclusive.
Oh, and the FDA requires me to list the side effects of Vaxadrone. They include, but are not limited to, the following (all listed on the Vaxadrone website):
Abdominal Migration
Abdominal Salad Shooters
ADHDEAD
An Inability to Breathe on Weekends
Ankle Bearding
Aortal Collapse
Arby’s Mouth
Argyle Pattern Baldness
Armpit Homunculus
Autonomous Nipple Syndrome
Bad Humors
Bearded Thalamus
Bone Sporking
Braintooth
Brainwhistle
Capillary Yogurt
Carcassing
Chinese Firebones
DIS, or Dissolving Intestine Syndrome
Dry Mouth
Eye Curdling
Eyearrhea
Eyesplosions
Facial Corkboarding
Fallopian Tapeworm
Flunamis
Genital Migration
Gopherism
Grover Nordquist Syndrome
Hair Swelling
Hairy Uvula
Honey Nut Areolas
Honus Wagner’s Disease
Hungry Hungry Hipbones
Increased Appetite
Increased Risk of Vampire Attack
Ingrown Testicle
Involuntary Blowhole
Involuntary Narnia Adventures
Jimmy Crack Corns
Knee Transference
Lactose Addiction
Late Onset Albinoism
Lou Ferrignose
Lungfire
Lungquake
Massive Weight Gain
Mild Hulkism
Mild Kidney Explosions
Mind of Mencia
Minor Heart Explosions
Monkeylung
Multibrow
Nostril Inversion
Outgrown Testicle
Permanent Blindness
Phantom Hand Syndrome
Pituitary Ferns
Precocious Kidney
Prolonged Erections – But Not Where You’d Hope
Puckerlung
Pulmonary Weevils
R.E.O. Speedlung
Rage
Rectal Buffalo Wings
Rectal Dyslexia
Rectal Frosting
Rectal Hallucinations
Re-Emergence of the Umbilical Cord
Restless Arm Syndrome
Restless Leg Syndrome
Restless Torso Syndrome
Rocky Mountain Oysterism
Runaway Gums
Scrappy Dooism
Scrotal Bassoon
Scruffula
Severe Weight Loss
Siamese Nipples
Skeletal Xylophoning
Spaghetti Ovaries
Speaking In Tongues
Spontaneous and Uncontrollable Gum Growth
Spontaneous Gypsy Scarf
Spontaneous Harper’s Subscription
Spontaneous Mertail
Spontaneous Pregnancy
Steven Tyler Lip
Subcutaneous Funyuns
Tennis Scrotum
Teriyaki Lung
Testicular Cranberrying
Testicular Myopia
Testicular Testicularization
Thoracic Geysers
Tracheal Meerkat Colonies
Transsexual Kidneys
Urethral Knotting
Vein Seizures
Ventricular Funk
Verizon Guy Syndrome
Vivid Dreams of Self-Cannibalization
Warlock Hump
Whatever Happens When You Drink Rocket Fuel
X-Ray Hearing
Yellowstone National Bladder